The Meaning Behind My Box

 

I wrote this song while attending nursing school and it took transitioning to my first job as a nurse in the Emergency Department to comfortably gain the funds and concept to create a video. 

How did I think of the lyrics? 

Well, frankly it did not take much, except the fact that every time I drove inland to Chino after a long day of nursing classes, lectures, assignments, and exams- all I wanted to do was get into the recording studio, much like a foamed box, close my eyes, put on my headphones and sing.

Singing, recording and performing was my hideout for inner peace and it gave me a natural high that nothing else could do.  I felt like an alien sitting in the back of all my nursing classes, trying to manage my career travels and performance expectations.  I felt trapped with the need to be an intelligent masters level student and then shut my brain off in order to showcase myself as a diva in the entertainment world. 

What was the title about?

The Box reminded me of the term hotboxing- where pot-smokers stayed in an airtight vehicle in order to get the best high with no escape.  I had never smoked marijuana before, but I knew what feeling high off of doing something you felt so passionately about was

– and again, for me it was performing and singing.

While I recorded, I literally imagined Electric Daisy Carnival, the fuzzy pants, the smiling people, hugs, drugs, tents, lights, and music.  Back in 1999, in order to go to a rave you were paged (there was no text messaging & no such thing as a swaggy iPhone) to secret locations and drove long distances to get to that fairytale playground.

Music was my most dreamy playground

music was my drug

Years and years later, I finally found the space, courage, and energy to create a music video that aligned with my heart.  As a nurse in the Emergency Department at Hoag Hospital Newport Beach and saw things I never knew was Emergency Medicine.

There were patients whom we called “Frequent Flyers.”  These patients were a huge number of individuals from our homeless population in Orange County.  It was constant, and it was such a shame and disappointment that homelessness presented in various forms and not very many people knew.  Just because someone is homeless does not automatically mean they appear disheveled or have mental health issues.  It could be someone who unfortunately lost all assets in their life rapidly and unexpectedly. 

 

In the music video, an actor takes on the role of a man whom we all might view as handsome and well kempt but in actuality did not have a home or a dollar to his bank account. The women in the video represented the decisions and choices that had to be made in order to stay alive.  She was an aspiring painter.  

My intention was to keep the stories open ended and encouraging viewers to imagine the unexpected.    There were three characters- myself, a trapped singer, a homeless gentleman, and a female escort.  The commonality between the three of us was that we all walked through the door of a life that was created and transformed by our own selves. 

Minor Piece of Advice for my Musician Dreamers & Action Takers

1. Do not lay on a public train track... 4 Orange County Police Department Vehicles and 2 Fire Department Trucks crowded around you asking for the responsible party of such an act is in big trouble - Oops! that would be me...

"Eek, I am so sorry, I don't have a permit and it will NEVER happen again."

2. Get it done in one day!  Gather your team and take a chance on yourself!  A vision will always be a vision and nothing more if you do not decide to bring it to life!

3. Anything you create will be beautiful!

 

Every detail of this video was engineered to showcase a glimpse of my life as a singer, nurse, and human who saw transformation and hope for everyone. 

 

This song is dedicated to anyone who has been exposed or experienced suicidal ideations, anxiety, depression, homelessness, poverty, substance abuse, mental health complications... you are not alone.  You will never be alone.